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Spirituality

A love letter to God

I cannot begin this letter without beginning it in Your Name, because it is Your Name that gives strength to my wings and purpose to my flight. This Name, so simple in speech it is almost like a sigh, holds all of time in one syllable and all of creation in the other. I awake every morning with this Name lingering on my tongue, waiting to be uttered so that the remembrance of the One to whom it belongs to graces my consciousness and brings Light to my vision far more gloriously than a hundred morning suns. I begin this letter in the Name of my Beloved, who was my Beloved before this soul wove itself into flesh, and will remain my Beloved after it unravels. I begin in your name, my Lord.

Bismillah.

It is an odd thing, writing You this letter. I am accustomed to speaking to You on a level beyond words – beyond emotion even. I do not know if I should call the way we understand each other “communication” because there is no exchange taking place. You are You and I am me and we are us together. O’ Clement, how can I thank You for choosing an existence for me? Out of Your Infinite Love You fashioned my soul, out of Your Light, You gave it life, and out of Your miraculously beautiful creation, You gave it solidity. Sometimes I forget that the things I see, You put there for me to see, and the things I experience, are from the events and circumstances You have ordained just for me.

O’ Omniscient, what do You see that I cannot? If there is more love for You in my being than I am aware of, please make it known to me, because I am only aware of the conscious love I have for You. My infinitesimal existence can only house so much reverence for You, and I am ashamed that it is all that I can give. Yet if I were able, I would match Your Love and let my universe fold up on itself upon reciprocating it. I know You Love me far more than I love You, and that makes me despair of my incompetence. I want to give You so much, but my fallibility causes me to fall short of my aspirations. I wish I can say that I try my best all the time to keep Your remembrance in mind and in action, but disappointment belies me. I cannot even use the capacity to love that you have given me to its full extent. Therefore I ask you, O’ Beneficent, to help me remember that Your Love exists in my existence, and that any love I have to offer You is Yours to begin with. If You are Your Love and Light, and my loving You is simply channeling that Love through me and projecting it back to You, then You are, literally, my love, and my love is Your Love. I am a being from You, in a world from You. How wonderful it is to exist within my Beloved, and have my Beloved reside within me.

I remember, as a child, I prayed to You with trembling hands and tears in my eyes. I did not really understand the magnitude of that act, or fathom the Supremity of the One to whom I supplicated, but I knew that You are Good and Compassionate, and that was enough. You answered my prayer then. So swiftly, my eyes still had not dried yet.

Years later, I sought refuge within Your Presence. I was scared and alone and I wanted to rest my head on Your Arm. You did not lend me Your Arm then, because Your Magnificence exists beyond the image my childish imagination came up with, but You granted me consciousness of Your Presence. How blind I had been before! You were always with me. In fact, as a being of Your creation, from You; of You, I was never apart, but my weakened senses could not perceive You. I will never forget the day You removed the veil between us and made Yourself Known to me. Your Magnificence overwhelmed me, you know. I want to thank You again for that. I know I do not thank You enough, I apologize.

A couple years ago, I wrote a list. I was intoxicated with the love of You and my morale had been higher than the stars You created, so I may have been unrealistic with my goals. Some of the things I wrote… I was embarrassed to let even my pen witness the ludicrous impossibility of them as I moved it across a paper. They were far too ambitious, especially for a girl like me. But You did not think they were ludicrous, my Lord. You took up my wishes and promised to grant them to me in the best way possible, at the best time possible. And You did. Here I am, living the life I could only dream of having then. Not everything has been fulfilled, but I have unshakable faith that my blessings are just ahead, down the road You have ordained for me. I will await them patiently (I know You love that, and I love You for giving me the capability to do that which You love).

Yesterday when I was crying, You Comforted me. Thank You. I know I am very neglectful of You sometimes, but You are never Neglectful of me. You know more than even myself how much peace that brings to my heart. The fact that, no matter how much I have strayed from the guidelines You have set for me, You will always be here within me to readily accept my repentance is the best gift You have given me, and You have given me uncountable, immeasurable gifts.

Today I read the letter You wrote to me and other seekers like me. Have I ever thanked You for it before? It is the most beautifully radiant letter I have ever read, made all the more luminous by the fact that it is from You. Thank You for stating Your Words in such a way that I can both understand them and be in awe of their poetic beauty. I love Your letter so much, I have memorized parts of it since I could lisp together a string of words to form a sentence. I was a toddler then, but Your Name had already consumed my heart. Whenever I am in need of spiritual light, I reread Your letter to help bring me out of the lecherous darkness of misery. I cannot imagine a greater gift. Thank You.

I am so grateful to You. Everything good I have ever received is from You. You are the Light Upon Light which I seek, and the Eternal Peace which I find on my journey. I cannot wait until we meet in another life, where I will once again become overwhelmed by the magnitude of Your Love. This day will only come if You Will it, so I entreat You to will it. In the meantime, I will remain devoted to You, Beloved.

To my Love I belong, and to Him I will return.

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