How do you express love in your family?
How do you express love in your family?
Hearing the words ‘I love you’ as a child felt sacred, almost forbidden. I’d watch people say it in movies and see how it flowed from lips, freely like water. They were liquid gold. But in life, it lingered in their throats, afraid to surface.
Even as a 30-year-old, except for a select few, it does just that. The words sit in the pit of my stomach and dissolve. Those unspoken words transform into acts of service.
I’ll send you a gesture of love that reminds me of you or pour my soul into a home-cooked meal, offering you my warmth. Even with those acts, I still feel like I’m lacking, unable to deliver my love wholeheartedly.
I watch others express their love to each other. It’s the beauty in how their eyes widen and their words land. I pocket those moments greedily.
I started with my cup half empty about the topic. I was interested in exploring the impact of the words of affirmation in childhood, considering cultural differences. Connecting with others on this topic has not only offered me fresh perspectives but has filled my cup.
Saying I love you isn’t as simple as it seems. It doesn’t guarantee a happy childhood, or feeling like you’re enough. ‘I love you’ translated differently in my household. It wasn’t verbally expressed often, but my fixation on measuring love clouded my judgment. I’ve failed to recognise how I was shown love in my childhood profusely in other ways.
It was in the home-cooked meals, cousin sleepovers, and the patience when taking out the knots in my hair. It’s our Tuesday tradition of a new chocolate bar, and my teenage sister letting me invade her space happily.
Iman, a close friend, shares her experience: “Growing up in a Moroccan household, words of affirmation did not always translate into ‘I love you’ or ‘I am proud of you.’ I never felt unloved by my parents or those around me because it was shared differently. Words of affirmation were always translated into duas and words of inspiration.
“When I would perform as a child or go on a trip, seeing my mum in the crowd, or her presence was an ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m proud of you. It meant so much to me.”
Our parents love us in the way they know how and that’s morphed. We’ve become better at verbalising our emotions and understanding their importance, which makes us crave them more. There’s no linear path to vocalising your love and no timeline.
Fatima, a mum of three, reminds us that as we evolve and grow older, so do our parents.
“The first time my mum said ‘I love you’ was over a message when I was in my thirties. I couldn’t stop sobbing. I realised then how much I craved it. Even though I knew my mum loved me, it was my inner child that was overwhelmed with joy. It was a relief, as I finally had confirmation of her love.”
Our personalities play a role in how we express love. Life events also impact how we approach the world.
I had an insightful conversation with a loved one. Khadijah said: “My daughter is very affectionate, and will make it a habit of telling you she loves you. She’s very expressive. This is very refreshing as I didn’t have that platform growing up.”
When asked whether her Caribbean culture plays a role she said: ‘I don’t think it’s all about culture, it’s more about how our parents were shown love. My dad has been more expressive recently, after losing a parent himself. It varies from person to person, as my grandmother is very vocal with her love and my mum isn’t. They are miles apart.’
There are plenty of ways to show love, and it’s a blessing to able to celebrate it. It’s important to tell a child they’re loved verbally, but that doesn’t diminish how we were shown it.
It’s hard to sit with the uncomfortable, and open doors that lead to more questions, but addressing it is a step in the right direction.
Remember there’s an ‘I love you’ in a warm cup of tea. And ‘I’m proud of you’ in showing up, laughter, and a warm embrace. There’s an ‘I’m here’ in a silent dua, a gift, and a glance.
May you experience love in all the ways your soul needs, and allow you to be a vessel to pour love out of. There’s plenty to go around.
