Studies indicate that men fare worse emotionally after a divorce compared to women…so what does this mean in reality?
Studies indicate that men fare worse emotionally after a divorce compared to women…so what does this mean in reality?
In recent times, there has been a noticeable increase in the number of Muslim couples seeking marriage support. Whilst this is a positive trend, it is not at the scale we need to see.
Unfortunately, what we observe in our work is that 95% of the effort in seeking help comes from women. When men do get involved, it is often because they are either ‘dragged’ to attend a call or given an ultimatum of divorce. This is an unhealthy situation for any community, let alone the Muslim community.
The Complacency Complex Among Men
There seems to be a pervasive “complacency complex” among men, characterised by a belief that everything is ‘fine’ and that their partners will always be there.
Research has shown that women often emotionally check out of a marriage several years before they actually initiate a divorce. By the time they verbalise their intention to part ways, it is usually a sign of deep-rooted issues.
Studies indicate that men fare worse emotionally after a divorce compared to women. For instance, one US study found that 75% of divorced women had no regrets about their decision to divorce, compared to 61% of men. Additionally, 75% of women expressed a preference for being alone, successful, and happy rather than being unhappy in a relationship, whereas this sentiment was shared by only 58% of men.
Post-divorce, men tend to gain more weight, sleep worse, and are more prone to various diseases. Divorced fathers are also more likely to experience depression, being ten times more prone to it than their married counterparts.
Symptoms vs. Root Causes
Many couples fail to recognise that the challenges they face are merely symptoms of deeper underlying problems.
For instance: Interrupting or talking over each other, shouting, anger, throwing things, and passive-aggressive behaviour are all symptoms of a communication breakdown. These behaviours indicate that effective and respectful communication has deteriorated, making it difficult for both parties to understand and resolve their issues. Addressing these symptoms often requires improving communication skills, fostering a safe environment for dialogue, and sometimes seeking professional help to navigate and mend the underlying issues.
Constantly blaming, criticising, and judging each other are behaviours that often stem from deeper issues. These issues can include incompatibility in values and goals, lack of emotional intimacy, unresolved past traumas, or excessive jealousy and possessiveness. Addressing these root causes is crucial for a healthier relationship, as merely focusing on the surface behaviours will not resolve the underlying problems.
Addressing these root causes is crucial, yet many couples find themselves stuck in a cycle, never truly experiencing sakeena in their marriage (sakeena is a word from a verse often cited in marriage ceremonies The Qur’an 30:21). They stay in what John Gottman refers to as a “Gridlock.” – the struggle to resolve an ongoing marital problem.
Seeking Help and Finding Solutions
If you are tired of feeling disconnected and unfulfilled in your marriage and are ready for a change, it is time to take action.
As experienced and qualified relationship coaches, my wife Victoria and I have been through our own struggles and have found a solution that works. We offer a comprehensive assessment that identifies the core issues in your marriage. This assessment provides us with data equivalent to three months of conversation, allowing us to hit the ground running and address the ‘facts behind your feelings’ in our couples sessions.
Our unique approach helps couples overcome challenges that are often left unaddressed. We get to the bottom of the real reasons why Muslim marriages are failing and provide a clear path to repair, healing and improvement. Whether your marriage is facing significant issues or you simply want to take it to the next level, our assessment and couples coaching can provide the insights and support you need.
Practical Steps to Strengthen Your Marriage
1. Commit to Change
Both partners must be committed to making changes. It isn’t enough or even fair to expect just the wife to ‘carry the load’.
There are relationship coaches out there that tout the idea that the wife alone is the key to marital success. While this might be relevant if the problem lies with the woman, it is not a universal solution. Asking her to smell good, dress up more, and be almost submissive in response to inappropriate behaviour from the husband is, frankly, a road to disaster. Mutual commitment and effort are essential for a healthy and successful marriage.
2. Improve Communication
Effective communication is the foundation of a strong marriage. Practise active listening, where you truly hear what your partner is saying without interrupting or planning your response. Express your thoughts and feelings openly and respectfully.
This requires a level of vulnerability from both parties. Consider setting aside regular time to discuss issues and check in on each other’s emotional well-being.
3. Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, external assistance is necessary. While advice from family members or friends, such as the ‘Village Auntie,’ can be helpful, they have their limitations. A specialist, such as a Muslim Marriage Coach or couples therapist, can offer valuable insights and strategies tailored to your specific situation.
Don’t wait until problems become insurmountable. Seeking professional help early can prevent further deterioration of your relationship.
4. Focus on Emotional Intimacy
Building emotional intimacy involves sharing your innermost thoughts, feelings, and experiences with your partner. Depending on your ‘family of origin’—the upbringing you had—this can be quite challenging.
Speaking from personal experience as a man who never had emotional vulnerability modelled to me, I had no idea what it looked like. I am very fortunate and feel blessed that Victoria has given me the space to work on this aspect of my personality. Emotional vulnerability fosters a deep sense of connection and understanding. Make time for each other, engage in meaningful conversations, and show appreciation and affection regularly.
5. Address Past Traumas
Unresolved past traumas can significantly impact your relationship. Whether these traumas stem from childhood or past relationships, it’s essential to address them. Many men I’ve worked with have needed inner-child healing, often unaware of how self-sabotaging behaviours were a norm until we unpacked their negative effects.
The childhood trauma of abandonment I carried for over 40 years affected all of my relationships, including two marriages. Ignoring such serious issues can be detrimental. Professional counselling can help both partners understand and heal from these past wounds, leading to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.
Is Your Marriage Worth It?
Of course you said a resounding yes!?!
Understanding the health of your marriage is crucial. Don’t wait for problems to escalate before seeking help. Our Couple’s Assessment can reveal the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship and guide you towards a more fulfilling and connected marriage, insha’Allah. The power of knowing the exact issues in your marriage, rather than guessing, allows you to address them effectively and make informed decisions.
If you are ready to transform your marriage, reach out to Victoria and I. We are here to help you navigate the challenges and find the peace and connection you deserve. By addressing the root causes, you can overcome challenges you face to build a stronger, more fulfilling marriage, insha’Allah.
And by the way, we both coach sessions together – a very unique experience we’ve been told by couples – ensuring a balanced and comprehensive approach to your relationship needs.
May our marriages be blessed with love, understanding, and an unwavering commitment to grow closer to Allah, Ameen.
My wife Victoria Matesky and I are certified relationship coaches and we offer a unique, faith-inspired approach to marital coaching by delivering sessions together. With our combined expertise, we provide invaluable guidance, fresh perspectives and support to help Muslim couples repair and strengthen their marriages.
For more information on our work, please visit: www.teafortwo.uk/thrive
Or send us an email at: tafandvictoria@teafortwo.uk
