Life, Men, Women

A message to all the single Asian/Arab men over the age of 30

Dear >30 year-old Single Asian/Arab Guy,

I have been matchmaking for the past three years to help diminish the ever increasing number of 30-something year old singletons. I do this on a voluntary basis in the little spare time that I have as a working mum of two and for the most part I find it rewarding.

Recently, I have been contacted by several of you asking for introductions to a potential partner. I can see that you’re all reasonably attractive high achievers with great careers and pleasant manners. A promising start! I move on to find out more about your hobbies – you are well travelled, charitable, sporty and creative. I proceed to ask what you are looking for in a spouse. You respond to tell me that you are searching for someone who is intelligent, possesses a great sense of humour and most importantly somebody who is spiritual. Bingo! This will be easy!

Over the past few weeks, I have spent hours of exchanges attempting to find you suitable matches; women with whom you can build a meaningful relationship. Some of these single women have included:

  • a multi award winning writer for one of the world’s largest news corps
  • an award winning journalist often featured on major news channels
  • a surgeon who has performed operations across the world on a voluntary basis as an act of charity
  • a high flying lawyer whose looks rival that of a Bollywood actress

I have been extremely disappointed to find that ALL of the above women have been rejected because you’ve deemed them ‘too old’.This is despite the fact that they’re all at least 5 years younger than you, or at the very most, the same age as you. Astonishingly, one of you (yes, you- the forty two year old with the grey hair ), was even bold enough to ask if I could ‘guarantee’ that the lady in question was fertile. Well no. I can’t. In the same way that these single girls are NOT expecting me to provide them with your recent sperm count.



Another one of you expressed worries about the risk of any future children born to an ‘older woman’ having Down’s Syndrome. Ok, as a qualified GP, I can see that that’s a legitimate concern. Sort of. But let’s go on a fact finding mission together and we’ll soon discover that the risk of a 35 year old woman conceiving a child with Downs Syndrome is 0.4%. To put it another way, there is a 99.6% chance that the child will be born WITHOUT Downs Syndrome. 0.4%, 0.4%!! Yet you still feel that the odds are too high. What happened to balance and perspective? Which leads me nicely on to my next point; physical attraction.

Almost all of you have expressed that you would like to marry someone attractive. Of course you would; there is no shame in admitting that and I value your honesty. However, in my experience, many of you are oblivious of your own shortcomings in the looks department and I have a sneaky suspicion you may have well and truly fallen off the self awareness horse. Conventional wisdom states that beauty is very much in the eye of the beholder, but it seems to me that some of you beholders are blind when looking at your own reflections. So, just to be perfectly clear- no, that isn’t George Clooney staring back at you. If you want to marry a beautiful woman then please make an effort to make the very most of your own looks.

Physical attraction is a luxury that you may choose to wait for. You may even choose to be single forever rather than marry someone you aren’t physically attracted to. Good luck with that. Just don’t prioritise looks over character. Of course,you may insist on both and be willing to die single, or you may have to choose. My advice: choose character. You will eventually find true beauty shapes your perception from the inside out.

There is a genuine crisis happening right under our noses, where amazingly talented single women are being overlooked because of your irrational fears and increasing list of demands. It’s time to ask yourself if it really is her age that you fear, or rather the fact that you may feel threatened by a woman who has achieved great things in life and is your intellectual equal.

Or perhaps it’s neither and marriage simply isn’t for you.

So, when you’re next warming up your bowl of curry for one, made lovingly by your mother, please take a moment to reflect (and in some instances LITERALLY reflect) on why you’re truly single. It’s not because there is a global shortage of ‘good women’, but because you have a completely unrealistic idea of what you want in a wife.

Kind regards,

Farah Kausar
Voluntary matchmaker & wife of brilliant man

Farah is a volunteer matchmaker and a GP

5 Comments

  1. Yes I agree with Abdullah. Rather unbalanced article for everyone that hits 25 and is a woman. Not everyone who is unmarried over 25 is for these rather over simplified presumptious reasons.

  2. Salam sister
    Living in a western country just wanted to say that Muslim men aren’t a coat hanger. When majority of muslim women are playing the field in their youth and one ramadhan wake up and leave their nonmuslim boyfriend and realise their over 25 with a bad reputation in the muslim community, they should be realistic as well in what they expect. These “prestigious” muslim women you speak of probably rejected 10’s of muslim men in their youth waiting for their equally prestigious white knight in shining armour to come in their life or revert in a lot of cases. Or they wanted a career more than family life. So whatever the reason for them being where they are, we muslim men aren’t a coat hanger waiting for these “prestigious” muslimahs to come down to planet earth. We weren’t “exotic” enough for them in their youth and now we’ve moved on and they aren’t “young enough” for us. Women need to understand that no one can have everything they want regardless of gender. Everyone made their choices and so should now face the consequences.
    Regards,
    Evil Man who’s not a coat hanger for white leftovers

  3. Farah, forgive me for saying this but your article is somewhat naive and that is being benevolent and very courteous toward you. You need to read an astounding seminal work by Mat Ridley called the “Red Queen”, which talks about sexual biology and how this affects human decision making.

    Sometimes i really think muslims live in some form of a mental and social void so to speak.
    An imaginary cloud that does away with common sense and human instinct.

    Once you have read the book, let me know your thoughts.

    Wasalaam

    1. With all due respect Abdullah, deriding Farah wouldn’t help the cause. What she has cited is a personal experience encountered a number of times when it comes to arranging matrimonial alliances . Infusing a psycho/analytic analysis that men are drawn towards ‘beauty’ coz that’;s how their genetic make up is as substantiated by some researcher needs no back-up. It’s quite common to assume that way. But however, the essence of the article lied in the fact that men, who himself did not stand a good chance in looks department were ‘picky enough to point out faults with other accomplished women’!
      As for your ‘semnial work citation,everything can’t be based out of social make-up and innate urges. There are others too who also emphasise the importance of pre-marital sex for the sake of establishing compatibility and other movements which might come under the banner of social rationale but in no way fall under the Islamic sentiments. so we see we exercise our logic where it’s needed in matters of faith rather than just letting some innate impulses drive our decision as you talked about sexual biology.
      Having said that, I do acknowledge that Islam grants equal rights to both the gender to accept a prospective partner on four counts and looks is one of them.But that shouldn’t be the only criteria. Period!

      1. Masha Allah very beautiful article sister Farah! You mentioned a very common problem in which these people are still stuck for decades. They have great degrees, jobs and status but they forgot to increase their moral and Islamic values. Another important thing is that they see a woman as a lust object. They forget that they too have mothers, sisters and if someone is willing to marry them, they will have daughters too. See women with respect and not as a lust object!

        After a love marriage broke up, I married with my cousin who is deaf and mute and I got a son of 14 Alhamdo Lillahe who is also deaf and mute!

        Jahangir Shah

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