How to Find a Woman to Marry: The 21st Century Blueprint

You’re a young Muslim man and you want to get married. The only problem? You don’t know how to go about it.

You see your non-Muslim colleagues and friends dating, cohabiting and living their best lives. It’s so easy for them, right?

But for us Muslims, those types of relationships are explicitly forbidden – So, how are you supposed to even see and meet potentials, let alone marry one? !

Islam is a rational religion and there is a Sharia-compliant way to find and court a woman.

In this article, we’ll breakdown a 21st century marriage blueprint for men.

Set your intention

Before signing up for Muzz or rolling up to someone’s father asking for their daughter’s hand, set your intention.

The overall intention for entering marriage is for the sake of Allah (swt), which can be broken down into the following actionable intentions:

• To protect oneself from zina and similar kinds of sins.
• To follow the sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) who encouraged marriage.
• To build a family together.
• To fulfil half of one’s faith.

What your intention shouldn’t be:

• To find someone to replace the role your mother’s played until now.

Now, I’m not saying you’re consciously doing that, but it’s a common complaint from our sisters. Every woman wants to marry a man, not a project.

So, it’s imperative that you self-reflect and, while you search for a spouse, are simultaneously working on yourself.

The different ways to find a spouse

Traditionally, in the “olden days,” unmarried Muslims rarely, if ever, independently search for their spouse. 

Either their parents, tribe or the community at large arranged a marriage for them. Of course, there were no matrimonial apps or the Internet, so you were most limited by your locality or country.

By the way, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to take that route even today, in 2024.

It’s actually pretty easy and stress-free. Imagine your family/friends/community bringing you matches, and all you have to do is meet them and decide whether you want to take things further.

It’s a chilled life.

But, many want to find a spouse independently, which is totally cool, too. You can do so through:

• Matrimonial apps
• Mosque events
• Volunteering events
• At work, college, university

You might even like your best mate’s sister or that random sister who keeps turning up at family events from the “other” side of the family.

You just gotta make sure you’re approaching courtship within Islamic guidelines–which is what this blog is about.

Four ways to approach women for marriage

Okay, we’re going to look at the old-school ways. Islam established these or endorsed them if they were around pre-Islam.

And then we’ll look at the new school ways that were obviously not done by the Prophet and the early Muslims (because they didn’t have the tech or the means) but using them is not necessarily haram.

Let’s paint a common picture:

Relatable?

Let’s get into it.

Get her guardian’s permission

The brother above thinks the woman will get weirded out if you ask for her guardian’s number. If she does, she’s not for you, bro.

A mature woman seeking marriage will be impressed x 10000 if you approach her and clearly state your marriage intentions before asking for formal permission from her guardian.

Here’s what a few sisters in the TMV community suggested:

See? Serious sisters prefer the guardian route.

The Holy Qur’an recommends the same:

You [believers] are of one another. So marry them with the permission of their people and give them their due compensation [i.e., mahr] according to what is acceptable [4:25]

Suppose she rejects you, Khair IA. 

If she accepts your interest, it means there’s some potential there. Congratulations. Don’t fluff it now.

Use matchmakers

Certain communities and mosques have a matchmaking network. They collect profiles of men and women and sit at night sipping their coffees, meticulously figuring out who could be suited for whom.

You give them the profile and eagerly wait by your phone waiting for a message to pop up. 

Traditionally, your profile will be given to the woman first. If she’s happy, they’ll send you her profile.

DON’T ASK FOR PICTURES STRAIGHT AWAY.

Attraction is an important part of marriage, but don’t jump the gun. There’s a good chance the matchmaker won’t send you an image with the profile. Be cool with it. Read the profile. If she sounds interesting on paper, say Bismillah and go ahead with it.

If you really can’t get over the lack of pictures from the first instance, then you can attend matchmaking events in your community. These are semi-segregated affairs organised and arranged by mosques and matchmaking committees.

You’ll get split into groups, do ice breakers, say a little about yourself, hear a little about others, rotate across all the groups, and there may even be a free mingling section (with the matchmakers and chaperones present.)

Sisters have no issue with this:

At the end of the event, you tell your matchmaker who you liked and, once again, eagerly sit by your phone waiting for a message to pop up.

Use your network

Don’t be afraid to tell your parents or friends you’re ready for marriage. They may know someone at work who knows a neighbour, who has a cousin, whose daughter’s husband has a friend whose daughter is looking.

Advertise on TMV

And all it would take to find her is simply letting people know you’re available.

Don’t believe me? Here’s how one sister found her spouse:

It works!!

Your network is a great way to find someone because whoever they recommend isn’t a “cold” recommendation. People in the network will know her and can tell you more about her–things you wouldn’t find in a profile. 

And they can facilitate the meeting and other logistics, too.

Social media

So, you want to do it on your own. 

No doubt there are plenty of single women on social media. 

Approaching women via social media isn’t haram per se. It’s what you do that matters.

Send a clear and respectful message

Western movies and TV shows are ruining us. They make us think we have to start with some flirty line or an icebreaker.

From the beginning, make it clear why you’re messaging her and ask her if she would like to pursue it further and, if so, what her preferred method would be.

Give her the choice.

Some sisters won’t mind a direct approach as long as it’s respectful:

Don’t be a Joey.

Don’t scroll through every picture

I don’t care if your intention is marriage. You don’t need to scroll through every selfie she has posted before deciding to send a message. You will obviously see a picture or two, but leave it at that. No, don’t ‘like’ the picture either. 

It’s creepy to go around seeing every picture. How about reading her bio as well?

Keep your ego in check

If she rejects your proposal, respect it. Men need to stop letting their egos get hurt. There are too many stories of men reacting poorly to rejection. It just shows you’re still a child and your only interaction with nikkah should be as a guest.

The next steps

You’ve met a potential. What happens next?

The meeting

Meet at a public place, and be OK with it if she wants to bring a chaperone.

Call me traditional, but as a man, you need to lead the meeting.

Ask relevant questions; don’t faff. You’re not there to make friends. Find out about her religious practice, career, family life, hobbies, her opinion on kids, housing arrangement etc. Talk about real stuff.

I’ve heard too many stories of men keeping things too casual on WhatsApp for weeks on end. Do you want to get married or not? Take the situation by the scruff and lead the interaction.

You’re going to be so much more attractive to her for it. 

Don’t play with her feelings

Don’t lead her on. If you like her and she likes you, promise her marriage.

The Qur’an says:

“Allah knows that you are considering them for marriage. But do not commit secretly with them—you can only show interest in them appropriately.” [2:235]

Should I lower my gaze?

When meeting for marriage purposes, gazing has slightly different rules.

I stress: SLIGHTLY.

So, you don’t need to keep your head down throughout the meeting (that would look weird.)

It’s beyond the scope of this article to present the different scholarly opinions. 

Overall (an amalgamation of Sunni and Shia opinions):

• You can look at her to assess attraction. You can’t do it with lustful intentions. You might feel lust after looking at her, but your intention for looking can’t be lust. So, basically, it can’t be pre-meditated lust.
• Some even allow you to request a hijabless picture (but she can deny and you have to be OK with it.)

Meaning you can generally look at her, and it’s not an issue–just make sure it’s because you’re assessing the physical attraction part of the overall compatibility–so complement it with relevant questions (see above.)

These rules may be derived from the following hadith from the Prophet Muhammad:

“When one of you proposes (marriage) to a woman, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so.” (Abu Dawud)

Mughira ibn Shu’bah narrates that he proposed to a woman for marriage. The Messenger of Allah  said to him: “Look at her, for it may produce love between you.” (Sunan Tirmidhi)

Please check your maddhab’s rules with scholars well-versed in your school of thought.

Final thoughts

Is social media and technology used for the wrong reasons? Yes.

But that doesn’t mean it can’t be used for good reasons. As long as you’re sensible and respectful, you can utilise the benefits of social media in the matchmaking process.

At the same time, there’s nothing wrong with traditional processes. 

Do what works for you.

May Allah (swt) ease your marriage journey. Ameen.