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A Letter to Muslim Women: Focusing on Yourself Before Marriage

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LifeWomen

A Letter to Muslim Women: Focusing on Yourself Before Marriage

I know it’s worrying when you haven’t found your perfect match yet, but am I less of a woman if I am not married? Let us not forget sisters, that your sole purpose in life; the reason why you were created is: to worship Allah. That’s it.

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I know it’s worrying when you haven’t found your perfect match yet, but am I less of a woman if I am not married? Let us not forget sisters, that your sole purpose in life; the reason why you were created is: to worship Allah. That’s it.

When we women get past a certain age, if we haven’t quite found “The One” yet, we are somehow made to feel like we are less of a woman. Like we haven’t fulfilled our life purpose or something. Don’t get me wrong, marriage is a sunnah and it is definitely encouraged in Islam. but why is it that we are made to feel like we have failed at life if we haven’t got married yet? I see women in their mid-twenties feeling embarrassed when they say they aren’t married yet. This is not acceptable ladies! Don’t get down on yourselves.

When I reflect on it, I feel sad. Is this what our lives have been lowered to? Is this our only aim in life? I know it’s worrying when you haven’t found your perfect match yet, but am I less of a woman if I am not married? Let us not forget sisters, that your sole purpose in life; the reason why you were created is: to worship Allah. That’s it.

Is my ability as a dutiful, obedient slave of Allah lessened in any way by not having a husband?

It frustrates me. It saddens me.

Why is society, other Muslims, giving their fellow sisters in Islam a complex about this growing problem of delayed marriages? Should they be chastised because they are not taking marriage light-heartedly? Should they be chastised because their family’s expectations do not match the expectations of their daughter? More importantly, should they be chastised because they are trying their best with no success, and therefore leaving their fate with Allah?

I’m not advocating staying single. Don’t get me wrong. But, why are we women made to feel less of a human being because we haven’t found our other half yet? It’s not healthy and sends the wrong signals to young girls. Surely we should be looking towards the female sahabis and aspiring to be like them; aspiring to greater goals that reach far beyond ourselves.

The only woman to be mentioned by name in the Quran is Maryam. An unmarried woman. She gave birth miraculously to one of the Prophets, Isa (alayhis salam). Let me repeat: she was unmarried and has the high status of being the only woman mentioned by name in The Holy Quran. Is there not a lesson in this for the ummah?

Rant over.

Ladies, I want to suggest that instead of wallowing and spending days and nights bemoaning the absence of a husband in your life, how about saying alhamdulilah for all of the blessings you do have in life? It’s about changing our mindset.

Any married sister I meet or know, tells me: before marriage, and definitely before kids, they had time to themselves.

The lesson from this? Do everything you want to do before you get married; before you have kids; before you have another human being(s) to get to know and/or look after. Wouldn’t it be nice to step into married life with the satisfaction of knowing that you have achieved your own goals and ambitions before this next chapter in your life?

Life, of course, isn’t so uniform and maybe you’ll meet somebody in the middle of all of your goal-setting and self-nurturing, but the best part is: because it will just happen when you least expect it, it’s likelier to be a healthier relationship than one where you so desperately wanted to meet somebody and your whole life revolves around them.

Again, I’m not saying give up on marriage or stop looking. Not at all. But everything in moderation. Keep seeking that spouse while you do everything that you want to do. Don’t make searching for a man the only thing you think about, or the only thing you do. Improve your recitation of the Quran; learn that new language; get cracking on your reading list; take that class you’ve been eyeing up; get fit etc etc etc.

Below are some ideas of what you could be doing whilst waiting for Mr Right:

1. Focus on your Lord

Fall in love with Allah, your Creator. Focus on khushoo’ in your salah. Read Quran and ponder over the meaning of Allah’s Words – learn from them, and try to apply the lessons learned to your life. Whatever you can do to get close to Him, do it. Surround yourself with the love and worship of Allah, and your love will find you. In sha Allah.

2. Fall in love…

…with the Messenger (sallallahu alayhi wasallam). Read his (alayhi salaatu wasalaam) biography. I highly recommend this version in particular as a starter. There are so many biographies out there, it can be difficult to sift through and find the real gems worth reading. Trust me, no matter how long it takes to read this one, your love for the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) would have shot up dramatically. Alhamdulilah.

3. Try something new

Have you always wanted to skydive? Swim with sharks? Drive an F1 car?

Ok, ok. It doesn’t have to be something extreme like this. But use your single time as an exciting opportunity to start something new. Something perhaps a little out of your comfort zone. Anything that you have wanted to start for a long time perhaps, but have never got round to it. Make the effort. Enrich your life.

4. Get prepared

Marriage is a big milestone in life and sometimes people can get shocked at the big change it makes in their life. The easiest way to get over this is by preparing. Prepare for the ‘surprises’ of marriage by reading Islamic books and articles on this topic. Now is the time to do it, and have any niggling questions answered and possibly even discuss these with your potential spouse. As far as I can see, being well prepared for anything in life – big or small – cannot hurt right?

5. Set some personal goals

Sometimes we want to do so many things and achieve so much that we end up overwhelming ourselves and instead just sitting back and achieving none of it. Don’t let it happen to you. Hold yourself accountable. Set yourself a 30-day challenge e.g. 30 days of exercise. This is a great way to build a life-changing/reforming habit. It is a huge confidence booster knowing you stuck to something for 30 days straight. Another way of accountability is by telling people you are doing something: announce it!


This article was originally published on Blog of a Believer, republished here with the author’s permission.

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